If Larry King Wrote For Us…


If Larry King wrote for us….

Being in the radio/tv/people business since 1907, you learn a few things, kid. Like calling everyone “kid”. You also learn that prune juice is a wonder drug. I use it on my dry skin, and shampoo with it. Works like a charm, kid. Morley Safer taught me that one. It’s all about listening.  Frank Sinatra who I knew BEFORE he pitched for the Dodgers told me to put all my money in dog racing trainers. Boy, was he right. Listening is the key and no one did it better than the great Lauren Bacall.  We were married for 12 minutes but, boy, she listened. And, whew, could she make a mean pot roast on Shabbat. That was her greatest asset, though the webbed toes were the difference between Oscar roles and After School Special movies.

I’m not big on breakfast but a can of sardines with a glass of milk can really start my day with a bang… Did someone say cocktail? Jerry Lewis only drank Glenfiddich in a jelly glass with a wedge of a matzoh ball. Mmmm… For my money, Oscar Gamble was the greatest Yankee ever and a heckuva oral surgeon… Everyone talks about making a better spoon but no one does it… Lots of talk about Canadian Whisky these days but have you had their pancakes?… We need more purple in this country…I like Mr. Haney but Arnold the Pig was the better actor, and a scratch golfer. Partnered with him many times at Riviera. True story… Presequels are the next franchise makers in Hollywood according to my long-time cribbage partner, Harvey Weinstein… 2014 is going to be all about dominoes, watch for it… Mortlach is Zbigniew Brzezinski’s middle name… The Big Three missed the boat with spare tires filled with Creme Brulee… Call me crazy but I think Sanjay Gupta may be BatmanBollywood, Schmollywood! Oxnardollywood is where it’s at for the movies… Rush Limbaugh who interned for me at WJYT in Pompano Beach made a mean cup of joe; could have been a great barista for my longtime bowling partner Howard Schulz… Shhh, did you hear that?… Doctors told me I have the knuckles of a man half my age. It’s the prune juice, I’m telling you… Forget Ghostbusters 3. Billy Murray told me in the bar at The Donald’s Palos Verdes country club that Ghostbusters 4 is up first… I miss Star Search with my good friend, Ed McMahon… The waitresses at Santa Anita’s club restaurant are tip top. Always extra napkins and mustard packets without asking. They don’t have to do it but they do… Find me a better made chair than Ikea’s and I’ll buy a dozen… Does Macallan make Butterscotch?… Joanie Rivers says with Obamacare she can finally get on birth control. Whew! My stress level just dropped a few notches… I’d easily pay to watch Yasiel Puig sing “Black” in Dominican with Pearl Jam. Five-tool players are hard to find… Cranberries. That says it all… The airlines need to up the quality of their wine and spirits. Black Tower on the rocks anyone at 30,000 feet?… FDR was right about diplomacy: it’s best served cold… I could listen to that guy from Psych read the McMaster-Carr catalog all day… Robert Plant on my internet show a few weeks back says 3 sit-ups a day keeps him feeling like a 20 year old. Outstanding health tip… Jimmy Caan says shooting the “they shot Santino on the Causeway” scene was done in one take with real ammo. Only Jimmy!… Last night at Nobu, the Black Cod was a little fishy… Arterial Teflon Coating Procedure is a thing now? Where was it 20 years ago when I got my first set of Circulon after wedding #4?… No one ever complains about the number of hamburger buns in the package. Those boys are doing things right… Philly guy and money madman, Jimmy Cramer, says TVW is a company doing it right. Can’t argue with that… I wore my suspenders over my tallis at my son’s bar mitzvah in support of breast cancer awareness month. It’s just a good thing to do… The Flying Nun movie is not an IF; it’s a WHEN according to my drinking pal Sally Field. Gidget likes her Lagavulin with a little umbrella in it… Dick Nixon said the Russians, pound for pound, were the toughest Commies. He would know… This country needs a good $10 bourbon and more fifty-cent gum… Steve Jobs on his deathbed told me the “i” stood for “infreakincredible”. Feel blessed to be there for that moment of clarity… The only James Bond for this journalist is Sean Connery, who knows a thing or two about Whisky! He says oatmeal cooked in Ardbeg Uigeadial is the way he gets ready for a day on set… Capers, capers, capers. Just love them in corn flakes… Our pet koala, Henry, can program our DVR faster than our Estonian housekeeper but I’d eat off our shower floor after she’s cleaned it. Fantastic!… That casting adage is so true: You want Ryan O’Neal; you’ll take Donald Sutherland; you get Elliott Gould. Or as my old boss and whisky pal, Ted Turner, says: Y’all want Bruichladdich; y’all take Glenlivet; you get Famous Grouse… Senator John McCain can still throw a two-seam fastball with plenty of heat. D’Backs might take a look at him this spring… NHL Commish Gary Bettman told me that the 3-Point Line is coming to hockey as soon as next season(!) with red, white and blue pucks not too far behind… Niels Bohr’s daughter, Nielsa, still sends Christmas cards with a milligram of pine-scented plutonium in each just like her dad did. Love family traditions.

The King household hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season, and wish you a happy Simchat Torah. As usual, we’ll be with the Newharts and Rickles in Palm Springs. Master insulter, Don, loves to sit poolside with his Talisker Bloody Mary’s as he entertains the cabana girls, you hockey puck. While the wives are shopping in Palm Desert, Bob and I are happy to play gin rummy and make crank phone calls to Howard Stern’s boychiks, Richard and Sal.

That’s all I got, kid.

2 thoughts on “If Larry King Wrote For Us…

  1. It’s about time one of these posts made sense! That said, a few of the items feel a tad dated and there’s no mention of Mandy Patinkin – none. Kind of a big miss there (just keeping it real). Thanks for finally shedding a big slap-on closet LED 3 for the price of 1 with free shipping light on Lauren Bacall’s webbed toes. The deniers can finally STFU about her toes and Area 51 and focus on something truly worth denying, like spontaneous isthmus inflation on the Iberian Peninsula. That shit has to stop before the Basques get any more ornery and build jai a’lai frontons adjacent to noodle houses just to antagonize the slobs hoping to get lucky on second dates (but I probably didn’t need to tell you that).

    Cheers, NNY & L’Chiam, Boychiks!

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